#157: Bullying: What to do if your child is being bullied

Bullying is something we will all experience at some point in our lives. When our child is being bullied, it is heartbreaking and can leave us feeling helpless and not sure what to do. 

In this week's episode, we're tackling a tough but crucial topic: bullying and what to do when it affects your child. I share my personal experiences with bullying and how to take it on in a way that brings a healthy resolution.

Episode Highlights:

• Opening Thoughts on Bullying
• Personal Experiences
• Recognising the Signs
• Taking Proactive Steps
• Healthy Resolution Strategies
• Encouraging Empathy and Understanding

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Transcript

ITZINU #157: Bullying: What to do if your child is being bullied

. [00:00:00] So we are coming towards the end of the year. It is that kind of busy time for everybody with either you know, works winding up. They need to get things done before the end of the year. You know, I've got different functions or whatever on our school is starting to wind up, but it's also a.

Good time of year to do a bit of reflecting. We've had a really, really stressful last week or so. And what I wanted to talk about is how it affected me and , what I realized the things that even though I talk about all the time, I'd kind of dropped my ball on this and you know, I'm human.

Even though, and you're, you're a human too, and I want you to know that you're not alone if things start becoming overwhelming and it all becomes too much for you. I Talk about this stuff all the time. , I watch people, , and I help them, but, , even though all this stuff, and even though you probably know it all, you are human and there are times in your life where it might [00:01:00] just.

You might forget it. You might forget yourself and it might all go to the waistline. And that that's, I guess, what happened to me. As we are heading towards the end of the year, like I said, our school is starting to wind up Charlie. She's had her first year of prep and she loves it.

, she's really, really just excelled into school. She definitely play. Is one of those kids, she fits the mold. She just, yeah, she fits the mold and she really, really enjoys school. So she's had a great year. But I know we all have good and bad years. And like I said, as a parent, I am learning along the way.

I'm doing the very best job I can. But I am, I am learning along the way. I've each experience, , we have with our kids, we've never done it before. Different, , never done it with this age. I've got a boy and a girl. So, you know, obviously they're both different, they're different [00:02:00] personalities.

So I don't expect it to all be the same either., , it's been definitely a very testing year and coming, coming towards the end of the year, to be honest, I'm, tired of it. To be honest, I'm really tired of it all. And I am really, really looking forward to having a break now when with our year this year, Cooper, who is my eldest, he is having he has had a lot of trouble with different personalities in the classroom.

And in the yard, and there was lots of different type of bullying and, as a parent, I, I don't know how to, I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle it, and I haven't known how to handle it. , so I've navigated my way, you know, through the year to work it out.

So what were some of the things? That we've done. So I'm going to tell you something that we've done with this [00:03:00] at the start of the year or throughout the year and , then what I've realized now at the end of the year and what I did when I We had this incident and I realized I've let everything go.

So we'll go through it that way. So what happened is , I first realized that there was some bullying going on because a mom had messaged me. So she'd messaged me, you know, and said to me about some things that were going on in school. So I, , started to talk to Cooper, realized it.

, you kind of think it would blow over, it didn't blow over, then you realize. You are the only one to advocate for your child. , my personality, I'm not that person to, I don't really want to create a big song and dance, but maybe, maybe sometimes you have to, I don't know, but what I first did is I realized, I thought, what can I control?

So what are the things that I can do something about and what's in my control? Other kids, how they act, how other parents think, they're not in my control, but my son, our family, that's, that's in our [00:04:00] control. So we at Southern, we found a psychologist. He had been to psychologists before we found a psychologist for him to go to.

So we started doing that to work on him and his thought patterns and beliefs about himself,, and how he was reacting But believe that he continued to, that he has continued and it has continued all year is because he reacts. So because he reacts, he's giving them a reaction and they're obviously getting some form of a kick out of that.

So, so that's what I did. First thing we did that we looked to the doctor and I got his. Bloods checked. So I got his bloods checked to test for if he was missing any vitamins, if he had a parasite, any of those things that were going on that could affect his behavior and how he was coping with things.

So I went and did that and there was... Deficiencies. So that was good. Then we supplemented them. So I'd worked those things out. He joined karate. So we joined him to a karate. He [00:05:00] started watching if you've seen that show and he watched he's watched all the karate kids and he was really, really interested in karate.

So we started doing that as a confidence building. And yeah, that, that was stuff that was in my, in our control. And he really, really. Has really, really loved doing that. So that's, that's some things that we focus on. We put also put a focus on sleep, and making sure that he was getting a good night's sleep.

Cooper has anxiety. He has suffered anxiety since he was born. , As soon as he wakes up, he's straight out of bed and it's trying to, , get him to go to sleep wind down, go to sleep earlier, be able to, , get to sleep straight away and, maybe be able to wake up and go, I don't need to get up straight away, , he could.

So, so we put a bit of a focus on his sleep as well to help him with school and decision making, because I know that when we're tired, we tend to make poor decisions. So they were things that were in my control. [00:06:00] We also had to navigate and, , we've learned it through trial and error.

Of how we spoke at home. So how we spoke at home to, , not focus on the negative, focus on the positive. What did you eat for your lunch today? , we try all those, like all research and, , listen to other parents and their things. So I tried all, I've done all of those things.

To make sure that the focus wasn't on those people and to point out the positive aspects of school and the positive things that happened during the day instead of focusing on the negative. So, , we've done all that and, , from the kid he was at the start of the year, he has come links and bounds and, , I believe a combination of all of those things, , he doesn't react.

He had an incident in a classroom where a kid actually grabbed him and he was grabbed in the classroom and the kid had been. Taken it aside and came back in and he kicked Cooper's chair, which made him fall off the [00:07:00] chair. And when the school had rung to say that this had happened, Cooper, they were like, he's done nothing wrong.

He didn't react. And I was so happy to hear that, that he could, , be that person that he didn't react where. , I think at the start of the year, he would have really, really reacted. So it's showing, it shows how far he's come and how much he's grown. So, so that's all , we're plugging away at it.

And like I said, it's just, , every time something happens, and this is my message to, to every other parent, mom, grandma, everything is that, that you need to be good. Within yourself, because we need to be good for them. And they sense everything that comes for us.

They sense when we're not okay. They sense when we, they pick up on all of it. And, and, , we always have to be calm. And when I'm not calm. Or, , my husband's not calm, it's not good for him. So at the moment Cooper's playing summer soccer, so he's play summer soccer.

So that's a Tuesday night and every every week they're going, it's just [00:08:00] the way, it's the, the, they're playing against some kids that are two years older than, but every week they're going and they're getting absolutely flogged, so they're getting flogged. To see the difference in parenting the difference in people's perceptions, and I want you to think about this.

If there's anything in your life, , if your kids are growing up, but anything, how you go into your workplace or how to react to things, , we went to away to soccer and, they're getting flogged every week , like I know it's just happening and this is the other kid that's on the field and he's crying and every time he cries , , but my head was like, what can I, I always think, what can I get them to learn from this?

, what can they learn? , so I was like, this is good. You're playing against kids that are older. You know, this is gonna upskill you because you've got to work a little bit harder to keep up with these kids that are two, two years older than you or whatever. So, so I tried to put it in that way and we, so then we're going to a game, this one game and I said to them in the car, I said, let's just have fun.

I said, let's focus on how, how [00:09:00] much fun can we have in the field? So can we do, can we kick the ball and, do a cartwheel. Can we just have what's the craziest move you can do, you know, on the field? So I just wanted them to see it just to have more fun than to be focused on that we're losing.

What was also happening on the field is that this one child Was crying because they're losing. And, you know, so then I was like, you know, what can you learn from him crying? He's like, well, once he starts crying, he loses his concentration and he's losing concentration and , then he's not playing as well.

And I was like, exactly. So I always, I always try to see everything as lessons. So I was saying to him, you know, so we'd go out to the game , and then, , we lost him, but they did. You know, they, they did, I think they did some cartwheels and they did some other things when they, when they got the ball and they just made it fun.

And another time, my husband had taken them, I think I was working, my husband had taken them and my husband came home and he was like, this is ridiculous. I was getting all annoyed. He was like, this is ridiculous. They shouldn't be playing against kids two older, two years older. , he's like, [00:10:00] you've got to ring and speak to them and, and, , they just get you.

And , he was more probably focusing on the negative, but Cooper started speaking that way. So the next week when , he starts repeating what my husband said the week before. And my husband, he didn't mean anything by it. , he was just, , frustrated, but, but again, it is what it is.

We can't control it. We can't change it. It is what it is. We've got to make the most out of this situation. So again, you focus , how much fun can we have today? What things, that's crazy. Let's not focus on losing. Let's focus on what we can, so, so these two different perceptions of this one these games that they're playing had a very, very different influence on him as to how he spoke about it.

So how I spoke about it was, let's have fun. He came home laughing, saying, you know, yeah, it doesn't matter about the story. score. We did this, you know, but where, because Lee was annoyed that, they were losing and that it was unfair and all this stuff. And Lee put his bit of a focus on that, which then made Cooper produce focus.[00:11:00] 

Do I want you to think about is with your kids or with your home life, what's the things or your work or anything else? Where are you putting your focus on? Because where you put your focus on is how it's going to be. And if it's something I can't be in this soccer second, if I can't change the rules.

I can't change the kids that are in the league. It is what it is, but we're in it now. We're not going to give up, we're just going to have fun. So, that's what I want you to think about that. So, like I said, we've had these different challenges. So as, as we are getting towards the end of the year and, and with everything that's been happening, I've been really, really lost.

I've been lost as to what to do. , and I still don't know. And I don't know if what we're doing is right, but I'm going my gut. And, you know, I don't know whether. Do I, do I change schools? If I change schools, it's the same thing going to happen. Is this thing to do with, is this a personality thing?

Is that a teacher problem? Is it a school problem? , and I still don't know, but I've just had to look at what I could control part of me wants [00:12:00] to, , you want him to be safe and you want to sweep him up and just make it all okay, but I, there's this other part of me that knows that,

that's not going to help him in life and there's, you know, and as I continue to say to him, you are going to face numerous people like this in your life. And my belief is that if you don't start to learn the lesson, you're going to continually meet these people that you maybe don't agree with or rub you the wrong way until that lesson's learned.

 We get towards the end, there was these two incidents that happened within the last couple of weeks and the last incidents happened just last week. And I, to be honest, I just was like, I am done. I'm done. , it had just been taken that step too far. It taken that step too far.

And I was really upset. I was upset that my son was hurt. He got physically. I was upset that that had happened I felt, felt really, really worn down with it all. And [00:13:00] as we had dealt with these incidents with the school and everything else, but I just felt so emotional.

I felt really, really emotional. And I was like, if you talk to me the wrong way, I'd just start crying. And I was like, what is going on with me? Why am I feeling this way? So what, when I reflected on this, I realized that my cup was empty. Now, spoken about the cup, I know about the cup.

We've got to keep our cup full, but my cup was really empty. And when my cup is empty, I'm not, I'm not being the best version of myself for Cooper. I'm not being the best version of myself for Maya. Husband, Charlie or anyone else around me. But I really realized that this is why I was so emotional while I was feeling so worn down that, that my cup was empty , just circumstances.

, I've realized. that this cup was empty. And I thought, okay, , what can I start doing to start filling it back up again?[00:14:00] That's something that, you know, you can use for yourself and for kids and partners, everything else we've, to keep that cup, that cup full so we can be the best version of ourselves for everyone around us.

And when, when you start feeling overwhelmed. , you start questioning. So we'd had meetings for school and then we come home and, and obviously, you know, I tend to think about it and overanalyze it. And I was thinking about it, but why I'm glad that I've worked on myself is I, , I catch myself and I've been doing it.

And I want you to know, that I do it because we're all human, but the difference is that I catch myself doing it and I stop. So I caught myself. Starting to question my parenting, starting to question and have I done the right thing? Have I failed him in some way? You know, have I, you know, have we created this because have we been too soft on him or to any of it?

 So I started to start to blame myself and, and I caught myself doing [00:15:00] that and stop, and I literally stopped Renee and I've stopped it. And then you go, no, you know, that's not true. Stop, put that thought away. You know, maybe a couple of hours later, you might be thinking about something else.

It's like reminds you to think about it. And then that thought that little blamed thought comes back and I recognize it , and I stop it. I recognize it because you know, the same part of me knows that I'm doing the best job I can and I've got a good kid there. It's, those thoughts come and, but I, but I'm catching them before I let them take over.

Other things that you can do if you feel like this is you.

Is you can write it out, write out how you're feeling, acknowledge your feelings and, some of me write it out and we see it on paper, we can realize that they're, , they're silly. I can kind of analyze it in my brain, but when I have before I have right now when we start feeling overwhelmed and, , it feels all like [00:16:00] too much and.

We just feel tired, , all of this is relating to because my cup is being empty, I realize, and you know, this is what I've had to do to myself just over this weekend is I realized that I have to take it every day. So I have to stop and think about this is the moment I'm in.

Don't start going forward of what ifs, what could be happening, what's, this is the moment I'm in. This is where things are at now, and let's just take today. This is the weekend, we're together as a family, you know, think about that., this is what I've had to work on with myself on the weekend, and I wanted to share it because I want you to think if you're in a similar situation, if you're feeling overwhelmed, if you're feeling like everything is just Getting on top of you.

These are some of the things that I do. tHe other thing that I do is I focus on the bigger picture. So the bigger picture in my circumstance , I don't know if, if I'm right or if I'm wrong, , I could trust my gut and that's it. [00:17:00] But, but I feel like I'm instilling him with really good tools.

 For life and that, that it might be challenging now, but I'm hoping that it's challenging now and that we'll get this stuff out of the way to make teenage years easier. I don't know. Could be easier. Could be worse. The things that I want with my kids is I want to have clear communication.

I want him to always feel like he can talk to me, that I don't judge him, that he can say anything he wants, you know, all of those things. But then that's what I have to remind myself of when you're like, Oh, this is difficult. I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to, like a lot of things is about Cooper's perception.

So it's like, okay, so this incident has happened. Okay. So I get this incident happened, but what happened before the incident? What happened before that may have contributed? How could you have contributed? To this that happened, where's your 50%, you know, so you take responsibility of [00:18:00] something that happened.

, it's you know, there's times to just want to say, Oh, let's forget about it and not talk about it. , but I'm doing the work now and that's when I remember this bigger picture is reminding me of why I'm doing this stuff now, especially when I feel overwhelmed, fed up, tired of it all, which is how we all feel.

 The other thing is that I really want you, if you are in a situation where you are maybe feeling how I was feeling, I want you to think about how you talk about the situation. So we were, me and my husband were talking, and my husband was going, this is my worst nightmare. This is, this is, you know, horrible to have to deal with with your child.

, he was like saying , , and I said to him, stop. , if you got through all of high school without being bullied in some way or form, you know, or through your schooling life, sorry, I was like, you're a unicorn. I was like, because everybody has some story of something that's happened to them, you know, [00:19:00] in some way, but I said, it's how, how we react to it and what we do about it as to what makes a difference.

And if we focus, if, if we start. getting down about it. If we start focusing on, Oh my God, this is the worst thing ever. If we start focusing on all of that stuff, it's not going to be good for Cooper. And it's not good for us. I was already feeling like overwhelmed, tired. So I stopped him in his tracks.

Because I already knew, I already knew how I was feeling, , and I wasn't, I wasn't going to let like that and I wasn't going to let him get that way either. , so really think about how you talk about the situation. , it's not all, you know sunshine rainbows. And roses, and I understand all of that, but when, if we get stuck into this, you know, negative side of it, it's, it's not going to help anyone.

 So , there's this kind of line of, you know, accepting that you feel upset, accepting that you feel sad. I, [00:20:00] you know, like I had to do a lot of thinking on the weekend, I actually kept my phone on, do not disturb. I just needed some time to think, to process. You know to process and, the whole, , what has been going on all year, how it's made me feel and , I think it's good to accept that you feel that way, but there's this line of having this way of acceptance, accept the feelings, but then don't make it the pity party.

 I know that's a hard line, but it reminds me, you know, I constantly remind myself that I, I have a lot of influence as see how and you as a parent or you in your workplace or you as a partner, you have a lot of influence over how people react and how they feel.

And yes, it's really important to keep your cup full. It's really important to . Feel good within yourself so you could be good for those people around and throughout our gear, you know cause I'm always working on, I'm always working on me. I have control over me. I can't control my husband.

 I can't show [00:21:00] how he thinks, or how other people around me think, but I can control me and I can do things about me. And the biggest lesson that I've got, you know, is that I was able to, I've been able to control how I. , work on me so then I can be calmer and better for everyone.

And it has made a huge difference. And if I think about the start of our year, my husband was reacting to everything as to how he reacts to things with Cooper. Now it's night and day. And the biggest thing was that was because, I'd worked on myself because I had that. Clarity, clear ahead, he was able to step out of the picture and that's what I want for you.

I want you to think about it. , it's okay to get your cup empty. It's okay to, , but the thing is, take some time to reflect if you have a stressful, situation and I couldn't work out. , it was really upsetting me.

I knew why it was upsetting me, but I was like, what's, what else is going on? Because I just felt really down about it. And [00:22:00] then that's when I thought about it and I thought, Oh, my cup is really, really empty. Meditation is something I do. I really enjoy and that's really and I find always feel good when I do that.

That slipped to the wayside. We've had lots of stuff going on. My exercise routine has, has changed, , so those other things that . , I was doing, I was going to yoga a lot more often. Those things have slipped to the wayside but it's okay. You realize it, pull yourself back together, and then we start moving forward.

So, if you any situation. that you're in. This was my situation with my, with my kids, with my son. , it's something that has been, been ongoing. So you get to a point, like me where you just feel really tired and fed up of it, which is, you're not alone.

You know, just think about some of those things that I shared that could help you, , which is catch your thoughts, stop them before they start taking over,[00:23:00]  , realize that we have to stop and take it in every day, take in and just take in this moment. Let's just think about this one moment today.

yoU know, realize about is your cup full, is your cup empty? And then start to think about do I need to take some time to, , what else can I do? What's in my control now that I can start filling that cup? thInk about how you talk about the situation. So whatever situation you're in, how are you talking about it?

Are you talking about it? And we're speaking about it negatively, you know, that's not going to help. It's not really helping. And then think about the bigger picture. So why are you doing this? You're doing this for a certain reason. Think about that bigger picture when it feels like you can't be bothered or you're unmotivated or, it is hard work now, but the hard work will pay off.

It will pay off when you're older. Okay. So that's my thoughts for today. Please let me know if this helped you, if you're in any similar situation and you would like you know, you want some advice, then I'm always here to share and give you advice [00:24:00] on how we've coped with out. Yeah. So I look forward to speaking to you soon.

I'm going to love you and leave you. Okay. Bye.