#160: Top 3 life lesson I learned from 2023

In this episode, I talked about 3 life lessons and learnings from
2023. Everything from learning relationships to parenting and more. I hope these help you to set standards for the new year and LET 2024 BE YOUR YEAR!!!!

I want to talk about the biggest lessons that I have learned in the last year and I'm hoping that you might be able to take some of the lessons that I've learned and start putting them into action and not learn it the hard way like what I do. 

I tend to be one of those people that, I tend to take a little bit longer to work things out, and I tend to take the harder route.

Reflection is such an important part of life, and often we are so focused on what's coming next, that we never allow the time to do it. Put pen to paper and see what your learnings are from the year gone by, to level up your 2024.

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Transcript

#160: Top 3 Life Lessons I Learned From 2023

So today I want to talk about the biggest lessons that I have learned in the last year and I'm really hoping that you might be able to take some of the lessons that I've learned and start putting them into action and not learn it the hard way like what I do.

I tend to be one of those people that , I tend to take a little bit longer to work things out, and I tend to take the harder route. And I'm hoping that you can learn from my experiences and maybe learn a lot quicker than me. When I was younger, I used to work. I worked for somebody. And she was a family friend and my dad would always say to me, my dad was like, you know, you should be doing this or you're not, you know, he'd say, or, you know, you need to be careful of this.

And I was like, no, no he was saying that I needed to be careful because., they were [00:01:00] potentially underpaying me and I did not listen to my dad. and they were underpaying me by quite a lot and they, you know, there was lots of other things going, but I didn't listen to him.

I ignored him. I didn't take the lesson. And my dad was trying to teach me he was saying to me, you know, you need to not be doing this amount of hours. You're not being paid for it. You're not doing this. And I didn't. I thought that I knew better than him and clearly I didn't because I ended up working, it's a long story, but I worked with this person and I thought they used to call me their second daughter that would show the daughter that they never had.
And I used to think that she was, I guess like a mom and you know, my dad would be like, don't, you know, my dad said that, you know, this person wasn't potentially not doing the right thing and and I didn't listen to him. And, finally 10 years later, also, I finally realized [00:02:00] the person wasn't doing the right thing.

, and I'd wasted not wasted, I guess it's all lessons learned, but it's been a lot, I've spent a lot of time and a lot of my energy at this place for thinking that I had a different relationship or, you know, that I was different when the matter of the fact. I wasn't any different than the next person.

And that's, a big learning lesson. But what I'm trying to say to you is I ignored my dad. I ignored my dad who was older and wiser and he was telling me, , to watch out for certain things , all the red flags. And I thought I knew better and I didn't think this person would do that.

And. They were, and you know that's that, and it took me, yeah, like I said, a long time to reload these things. So please don't be like me start to you know, let's look at the lessons that maybe someone else has learned and maybe put them into action. So I'm going to give you some [00:03:00] of my lessons from last year and how you know, how they have I've been able to adapt in their life and what I've learned and how I'm making them work for me now.

At the, at the end of last year, we had a really, a big change in our life. My husband had. Somebody that had somebody, a friend from back home had died really suddenly. He was hit by a car and it was really unexpected and it was at the funeral that we watched the funeral online and it was at the funeral when they were talking about it and somebody had said about looking, spending the time to look at your own life.

And make sure that living your life is that you're living to your potential, getting what, you know, getting what you want out of your life. Because this life has been so tragically cut short. , it was a real eye opener. It was a real that was, there was a real defining moment for [00:04:00] not just us, but there was other people that were at the funeral too, that had kind of felt.

, had taken on it really made them think so from, from that, it had made my husband think about he was quite stressed in his job. He was really, really stressed and he was unhappy in his job, but he felt he had to stay there for some reason. And I don't know, I don't know why he felt that way, but he felt he had to stay there.

But anyway, he took this and he, he looked at his wife and he said, I'm on a loop. He says, I'm on this loop and , I can't get off it and he knew we had to do something drastic it is, it can be scary to leave a job. And so anyway, he did leave his job. And I remember this, this time last year being so excited because I knew.

That our life was going to change. I knew it was going to change, but change for the good. I still am excited as for the things that are going to come up or may come up, I remember saying, [00:05:00] this time next year is going to be a whole different story.

And it is, and I'm so grateful, but, you know, we've had lots of, lots of lessons along the way. So, this was my husband's story. It's not my story. It's his. This was the changes that he was making. It, yes, it affected me because I live with him. We have kids and everything else and, you live with his moods and whatever else.

But, , I was excited for the changes that he was making and I had this vision of how it would go and how it would be and, you know, but I guess. It didn't quite work out how I expected, it didn't go how I, I guess how I had planned it to be and that's fine. So my , my first lesson really was about this journey with my husband was he had to do it himself.

He had to go on his path himself and, , it couldn't do what I. Wanted [00:06:00] him to do. He had to really do his own kind of journey. And I had to learn to stay back. I was so, I was at the start. I was so excited for change and what was going to happen. I was probably, I was quite impatient I, I pushed him maybe, and I thought that pushing was helping, but pushing was maybe The wrong thing.

So I, I wish looking back that I still supported him, but I wish I let him take you know, like he had went to therapy and I really, really pushed the therapy and maybe I pushed him too much, which he wasn't quite ready for., so that was my first lesson is I wish I trusted him more and understand that he has to really do find his own journey.

And, and do it his own way and trust him. And obviously we have, open communication and everything else, but probably, yeah, I, that was my, probably my first lesson. So if you have a partner then maybe not [00:07:00] in the right place or, you know, that they need something, you know, my advice out of all of this is.

It's be there, support them, guide them, help them, but you really do need to let them make their own kind of changes. , so I had, , I'd set boundaries with things, , he started like a therapy and then he, he's, he ended up stopping it , like I really pushed it and, but, but going through this.

So, do the process that we went when I worked out. Why was I pushing it so much? And this was probably my biggest lesson for the year was, was always asking yourself why is, is when my husband was saying no to the therapy, I was, was concerned that nothing was going to change. And I thought if nothing's going to change, I can't, 

keep living on the loop that he was on because the loop obviously affected me and our kids , I worked out that that's why I was panicking, which is why I was [00:08:00] pushing and so me trying to push him when I thought I thought I was being supportive if I could go back now, but it's all learning, if I could go back now, I wouldn't have Yeah.

Pushed as much. I thought I was being supportive, but I was more coming from a bit of a panic in my eyes because I was concerned that if he didn't do this therapy, then, he wouldn't change or he wouldn't, you know, get the help he needed. And that would end up with us breaking up. So that was, that was, I guess the, the crux of it all. .So in the end, I was pushing him for something that, that I believed that he should be doing. Now he ended up not continuing with the therapy and we are a year on, and he's such a different person and he worked it out in his own journey, in his own way. , I think my big lesson from that is I need to give.

have more faith in him. I can't control everything and, and [00:09:00] trust, trust that, you know, they're on their own journey and that to be there and support them and, you know, obviously guide them. But, but yeah, that was, that was my biggest thing is to trust that, that he's on his own journey and that I can't I can't control it.

I can't change it. And , by maybe pushing too much you know, I pushed him the other way, when I looked back on this year, that would be like, we've had such great changes and, you know, and that's the that's the thing. So I wish I if reflecting back on that, and if you are going through something with your partner.

Or someone around you, they need to work the stuff out themselves. I always believe that if you don't take the lesson, you're going to, it's going to keep showing up to you. Now, my husband used to smoke. So he used to smoke. And so I don't know why, and maybe because I didn't sit and reflect, but I don't know why I didn't pick up on this or think about this.

He used to smoke, and when we [00:10:00] lived in the UK, I said to him, you know, like it was a long time ago and I was like, all the statistics about smoking are saying this, you think you could stop? Or, you know, I didn't want him to smoke around me because I've never smoked. And so I was trying to say to him about quitting.

And then I realized that , he tried. And he just didn't do it. Every time someone offered him a cigarette, he would do it for a little while, they'd offer him a cigarette. I never got angry at him, but he never stopped smoking. Now, he hasn't smoked now for 12 odd years. 12, 13 years? 2010 he stopped.
, he stopped because he made the decision. So the change happened when he decided, so I don't know why I didn't take that lesson and apply it to this, , that, that they really need to, you really need to let them, they're an adult, you need to let them make their own decisions and things for themselves, when he was ready to quit, he quit and he got through the withdrawals and [00:11:00] everything else and he's now, yeah.

Hasn't smoked for 13 years. So yeah, so that was my lesson. That was my, probably my first lesson was to let, to be there and to support them, but to obviously let them be on their own journey. So you can apply this to your partner, your children, , if you've got your grandkids, , you can apply this to all of those things.

 My second lesson was realizing. And I probably discovered this the year before but my second lesson was really realizing that I'm in control of my life and I'm the only one that can make, that can make changes. I can't change how my husband is.
, I can't change the people around me. I can only focus on me. Now, what was happening is I probably going back a year before my husband was quite depressed. A different, a few different things were going on and he was , not the best person to be [00:12:00] around. So he was like this and I caught myself, saying when he gets better, everything will be better.
And I realized that I'd been telling myself this story that when he gets better, everything will be better. But the thing was, I can't, I couldn't wait forever. I've been telling myself this for months, that when he gets better, it will all be better. But what happens if he never gets better? Then that's, that's, that I don't have control over that.
I've control over me. And when I realized that I was like, what can I take action on? So I can take action on my happiness. I can take action on how I react to things and how I deal with things. And that's what I did. It was such an, it was such an aha moment. And you know, what's really hard is even though we all know this stuff, we all know it.
I study it. I teach it to other people, but sometimes we struggle when it's in our own lives. Sometimes you struggle when it's in your own [00:13:00] life because you just get caught up and you get in the loop and you get in a bit of that survival mode. And the thing was, yeah, I caught, I caught myself this one day speaking to my naturopath.
I was speaking to her and I said, when he gets better, it will get better. And then I just went, I can't wait for him to change. And that's when I realized I was waiting for him to change. . We all do it, , when you're stressed, you are in that survival mode.
So you're just trying to survive every day. And sometimes it's really good to have someone help you and look from the outside. So my lesson was that I can control me. I can control me and I can take charge of me. And what do I have control over? And what can I, what can I take charge over? What's in my control?
I can't control my husband's stress. So that was a year before. So that took him to that took him to the end of the year. To realize how stressed he was and to, to leave his job. But I truly believe that because I [00:14:00] made, I started making a change and I started working on me instead of getting bogged down with his stuff that then, he realized he could change too.
 So I started focusing on what the things, how, how could I help myself that I wanted Lee to do. I suppose that I wanted him to go to therapy, but he didn't want to, I'm forcing him to do something he, you know, and I thought, well, what's wrong with me going to therapy?
I don't have a problem with it, but I hadn't considered because I kept thinking, well, he's the one with the problem, not me. So I went and I sought out help on the things that I could control, and it's life changing. It's really life changing. So what I want you to think about is I want you to think about what is in your control.
And my lesson was, , I'm in charge. There are things you control and it's easy to get bogged down and overwhelmed and let everything go. Come come over you. It's it's really easy and you're just surviving and and my lesson was [00:15:00] that I can't wait Can't keep waiting forever for him to change and and and maybe he's never going to change But I can focus on me and what I want and the things are important to me And, and that's what I have control over and, and I really did, I took, I took charge, I started making big changes and I realized, I realized as well that as much as I was easy to say, Oh, he wasn't doing this right.
And, but I had things that I was not doing right to him. And so taking that bit of responsibility, taking that step forward in, , and taking action that way. Was, was able to be like, Hey, okay, you know what, I'm really easy to blame you for certain things, but there's actually things that I'm not doing right in our relationship and I'm really sorry for that.
And so, so that was a really big change too. [00:16:00] So, so my second, my second lesson for you is take, is take charge of what you can take charge of, you know, your kids, , there's always going to be reasons why we can't do things, but think about what the thing is that you really want. And, and how can you get control of it?
Oh, I can't do it because of my job or I can't do it because there is always a way. There's always a way, there's always a possibility. You just need to open your eyes and maybe look at it from a different perspective or a different way because it is, it is all possible. I caught myself saying so many things when, when he's better, it will all change.
 But I didn't know when he was going to get better and I was then relying my happiness on someone else, , that's not right either. I was putting my happiness on whether he decided to change, but, but maybe the position that he was in was maybe he was happy with that. You don't know, and maybe, maybe he was never going to change.
So [00:17:00] I took charge of what I could for my life, for, for my life and what I wanted from it. Doesn't mean, , I left him behind, you know, but, but when I started making changes, he started coming along for the ride. And that was the thing. I didn't, I didn't realize that would happen.
I didn't realize that was happening. I didn't trust the process. And when I started doing things more for myself, I became happier. I became less stressed and I was able to not quest. I was able to stop doubting myself. It was learning that.
That I had control, that I could do things, even if they didn't want to do it with me, I could still do it and it really take responsibility for things. I love when you learn these lessons because I'm teaching my kids this stuff.
Now, my kids are nine and five, so I'm teaching them these lessons now, so I always talk about [00:18:00] responsibility. So this happened to Cooper at school, , , where can he take responsibility? Kid, while he was in the classroom, come and hit him.
So this kid came and kicked him off the chair and hit him. Now I was saying to Cooper, what, where's a bit that you can take responsibility for in that circumstance? The teachers had rung me, the principal had rung me and they said, Cooper's not done anything wrong, but we're just letting you know this has happened.
Blah, blah, blah. And, but we still sat with him after and we said to him, I want you to think of where, where you played a part. In, in this scenario. And he was able to say to us, well, this kid had made a toy gun out of, out of textures and he pointed it in his face and Cooper wiped it out of his hands. So what I was saying to him is that if he made it, he didn't hit it out of his hands.
Then, so that was the bit where he, maybe it wouldn't have turned into the kicking of the chair and whatever else, but I wanted him to see where he did [00:19:00] play a part not to play the victim and not to be like everything's happening to me and you know, I'm never at fault, but for him to take some responsibility and we were able to see that.
And I only know it's going to help him grow and be better. And that's what I want for you. I want you to take responsibility. I take responsibility for maybe pushing For where I was pushing my husband too much. And that's the thing that I wish I could do different, , that's okay. I've learned, I've learned from it.
And next time if anything happens, I will be very more aware of it. And I needed to trust that he's on his own journey and that, you know, then, then my next lesson was about realizing I was in control that I'm in control of a lot more things and I can only focus on these things that are in my control.
My first step in working all this out was, was writing down a, on a list, what stresses me, what's stressing me out and what, what were the things that were in my control and what wasn't. I remember years and years and years ago, we had a [00:20:00] naturopath come and do I talk, and she was talking about eating.
She was talking about eating in the morning and not eating on the go. And I was like, well, I don't, so this was the excuse that I was telling myself. Oh, I'm too busy in the morning. I don't have a chance to sit down and eat. And she looked at me and she just shrugged her shoulders. And she was like, so that was the story that I was telling myself.
But I did have enough time. I just, I just, I had to put it in. I had to put it in and set it in. And you have control over that. So the biggest, my biggest lesson was learning, was learning those things and being able to do it. Okay, so my third lesson, as I've talked about before, is questioning why.
Questioning yourself on why. Why are you doing certain things? What does this mean to you? Why is this bothering you? , Why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? So when you start to question yourself, why you're going to come up with more answers.
So what I call [00:21:00] everything, everything that happens, I've been able to stop now and think, why is that bothering me so much? And when I questioned more things, why I got more answers about myself. And I really think the more that you can learn about yourself, the more you can realize you can, you can, you can, you've got the key more to your happiness.
And when I questioned why I was doing certain things, why I was feeling certain way. And, and I do it every day. Now I do it all the time. And I truly believe that somebody that is truly happy within themselves, they don't need to be mean or nasty to anyone else around you. So I remember last year we were at a birthday party and we were camping for the weekend and we were there and there were some people we were with and this one person that was part of the group was really negative.
, when I just arrived there. She pulled me aside to tell me about someone else that she didn't [00:22:00] like that was in the group. , I didn't know them. And she continued to, and she wouldn't leave me alone to tell me this story. And I found myself after avoiding her, really avoiding her because she was really negative.
And I just didn't want to be around that energy. And then there was another person in the group. And to this day, I've never heard her say anything bad about anybody. And her energy was something that I wanted so much. I wanted to spend my time around her. She didn't have a bad thing to say about anybody.
And I still have never heard her say that. , and I just made this decision then because I realized how it made me feel that I just I didn't want to be around people like that. I don't want to be near people that have to say anything. Me, I don't understand anything, me, myself.
So, I really made this decision so I made this decision then and this is part of the questioning of why is It's to realize about who you're spending your time with [00:23:00] and how it's making you feel. And maybe it's a reflection on something deeper within you that we need to look at. So, so yeah, so with this person, I was like you know, I decided on this weekend, I was like, I'm just not going to spend my time with people that, that, that are being negative or bitching or that about other people.
Because I guess if I was around people that I was saying something mean, I probably sit and listen to it. I,, I'm not sure in this situation if I would join in or not, it would possibly depend, but possibly I would have. And before, and once I heard this, I was like, maybe I would have just done it to be part of the crowd.
And I just didn't want that anymore. I just didn't, I just didn't want that. And I really made that change. So that was the thing. But I questioned why. So I questioned why with everything and questioning why. So just recently something had happened and it really upset me. And I was like, why is this really upsetting me?
And I keep asking myself those questions because generally it's. It's something [00:24:00] about you that you need, that this is that lesson that you need to learn. So I kept, so I kept questioning, why am I feeling this way? Why is this why, why is this making me feel so bad about myself? When it's their problem.
And it's easy to say that stuff, but then it's something that I maybe need to learn about myself. And once you learn the lesson, it's It's gone. It doesn't come back. But if you don't learn the lesson, it keeps coming back. And so I've really learned to question why. And we did have a very interesting year with Cooper.
 I didn't expect that, but you have good and Ups and downs in school, I guess, and a lot of things that happened, , I had to question why and maybe there was some things that it, some things that it was water off a duck's back and other things that bothered me more than others.
And I had to be like, why is this bothering me more? And I had to ask myself this question and, and, and maybe it was, and sometimes it was something to do because of how I felt at school it's such a good question to ask yourself and [00:25:00] be inquisitive. So if you're feeling a certain way, , question, why question yourself?
Why? So that is my lesson. Question it. Why ask why? And you might not get the answer straight away, but keep going because the answer is, is helping you unlock your happiness because this stuff bogs you down more than you realize. 
And even though I have parents that are still married, I had what you would say as a very good upbringing. I have no obvious traumas are like, , somebody that, so has had parents die or. Things happen to them. I don't have obvious trauma, but there are still things that affect your thinking in a certain way, and they upset you and you hold on to that.
And when you start questioning why you can realize, Oh, this is why I'm doing this. I don't need to hold on to that stuff anymore. I can let go of it. And that is my lesson. And so I want you for this year to start questioning why. Start question one, [00:26:00] understand that to let the people around you be on their own journeys, be there to support them.
Number two is to understand that you are in control and that you can take charge of your own life and focus on the things that are in your control and take start taking charge of them. And now remember. When you're wanting to do that, and you're feeling stuck, or you're not sure, and you're feeling lost, I'm here for you.
Come and grab my hand, and I'll be right beside you, and we can work through it together. Because I've been on this journey for quite a few years, and I'm a wise old owl, and I can really help you through this. And my third. My third lesson for the year is to question why start questioning, why start questioning why in your life, why things are making you feel a certain way, why does something bother you?
 If you're, and it's interesting to notice different people's reactions. And so I guess In was my husband. I [00:27:00] could say something one day and people are like, Oh, yep. Okay. And then the next day. Maybe a week later I could say exactly the same thing in exactly the same way and he would react totally differently.
Now I used to fire up to that. I used to get pissed off. I would take it on personally, I would take it on board and I'd get annoyed about that. But what I realized is when I questioned why, , I was like, why is he reacting so differently? Maybe there's something else going on with him.
And then I would stop and then I would not react and I would not take it personally and I'd wait a few days. And within a few days. Something would crop up, of something that had happened, something that had maybe bothered him, that I didn't know about, that was actually nothing to do with me. And, that was the reason why.
And what I'm asking is, my third lesson for the year, is question everything. Why? Why are you feeling a certain way? How does it make, why does it feel, make you feel like this? Why are you doing that? It's it's such a powerful [00:28:00] question to ask, and it will really help you unlock your true potential.
So I'm going to leave you with those 3 pointers. Please, if you. If you know any way that this was helped, please share the podcast because I would really want to get out to as many people as possible and the more people that we can help and the more people that can start questioning why, and they can learn from my lessons and not take so many years to get their stuff together, you know, not waste, waste any more time than they have to, and please, if you found this helpful, I would love to hear, 
If it has helped you and how you've gone. So today I'm going to love you and leave you and I'll speak to you all soon.