#162: Take Control of your Mind and Life

Your Life is 100% your fault. Sounds harsh but how you react to everything is your decisions and therefore your fault. 

In this episode,  I'll show you how to take charge of your life and your thoughts in a practical and easy-to-understand way.

We'll explore ways to shift your mindset to one of ownership and resilience. From seeing challenges as opportunities for growth to making deliberate choices, you'll learn how to navigate life with confidence.

If you're facing challenges on your midlife journey and need some guidance, I'm here to help. I'm currently opening slots for a few individuals to join my FREE 1:1 Coaching.

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Transcript

#162" Take Control of your Mind and Life

So I wanted to talk today about what things are you in control of and how can we start recognizing that to help yourself further. Now, I have a mom of two kids. I have a nine year old and a five year old. We have, um, a busy little life. My kids, most nights we have some form of sporting activity or something on.

I work for myself, so we do a bit of a juggle. I have a husband who is. Um, he works as well, but he's also, uh, we, we kind of, um, splitting ourselves between two of the, the kids activities at night and that's great. It's our choice to do those things. And, um, you know what? I believe it's beneficial for our children, so that's why we, so we do have, we have quite a busy, busy life, but what I wanna talk about is what I see so many moms doing is not looking after themselves and putting everything into their kids.

I was at a occasion on the weekend and there was moms around. And they were all talking and they felt like they were all feeling more the negativity and the woe is me and all of these things than the um, I just felt they were all, they were talking about different stresses with children and, you know, and all this stuff and I just felt they were all really, really feeding it.

I was just blown away, to be honest. I was blown away. Now, you know, I understand that, uh, I, I feel, feel fed up. I get times where I feel fed up and overwhelmed and, uh, I just need a breather. I, I get like that. I used to get like that a lot more than what I do now. And the biggest change I made was I started putting myself first.

I caught myself one day saying that I couldn't go out with, uh, with some friends, that I couldn't go out for lunch with them because I had to watch my daughter when my husband was home. And he could watch her fine, but I had to let go of that control. And I caught myself this day doing that. And then it was then that I realized I'm, uh, putting restrictions on myself.

No one else to blame but me. I felt I needed to. It was about control. I was doing that, but I was actually making myself really unhappy. So then I started to realize that I was not spending time with friends. You know, I was doing all the work in the house. I was doing everything. And, uh, you know, and I was taking all these things on board that I didn't mean to.

What I want you to think about today is, are you like me? Were you that person? Or are you that person? When I recognize this. You know, I don't have anyone else to blame but me and this is what I think the biggest thing is is that we can Take control of it. And when you understand it's not it's not a time to beat yourself up It's not a time to you know Have a go at yourself because I was doing it and I didn't even realize I was I didn't realize It's obviously I have I'm a bit of a control freak and I like to be in charge and control things But, you know, like with my, with that incident with my daughter, when I realized what I was doing and I spoke to my husband about it, he was like, yeah, he said, he said, you know, why don't you go?

There was no, you know, there was no issue with it, but it was me that created the issue. So what I want you to learn from today or learn from my experience is that there's things that, so, so in this circumstance, sorry, I'll backtrack. In this circumstance, when I was feeling this way, I realized I was unhappy.

Me and my husband were, we were kind of like bickering a lot, you know, and not getting along perfectly. The kids were more stressed, uh, probably because me and my husband were a little bit bickering. We'd be like, Hey, bickering. We were doing a lot of that. Uh, and I was unhappy and I was putting my attention on everyone else, on making sure that everyone in the family was right, making sure all my clients and all my members that they were all right.

But while I was doing that, I was drowning and I wasn't looking after myself. And I was, I was slowly, I was slowly drowning and, and I realized I was really unhappy. But the only thing is that it wasn't because I had children, it wasn't because they were, you know, busy or because of, you know, the activities, all of those things, they were all in my control.

And they're all the choices that I've made. So the thing I, the number one thing I recommend for you to do is take responsibility. So look at what's the things that, uh, you know, so in that same sense, I was one that wasn't letting go. I wasn't the one that was giving myself a break. I was telling myself I was very [00:04:00] busy all the time and yes, I'm busy, but I always had enough time to do things.

Whatever you want to prioritize, you will have enough time for it. You will make the time. And I realized that I had to stop and think and work out what, what I actually wanted because I had to work out what I wanted and what I was looking for because, because I was unhappy and I needed to fill my cup.

And we've talked numerous times before about filling your cup, but I see it happening all the time. And I was sitting here on the weekend. Listening to these mums all talking about how their kids are stressful and they're overwhelmed by doing this and doing this and suddenly we're putting these, uh, rules or things that we have to do and maybe you don't need to be doing that.

You know, it's really questioning yourself. Why are you doing that? Because what is your, and this is what I did in my circumstances, you know, we brought to think about what is your longterm goal? What is the thing that you actually really, really want? And, and that thing that you really want, are you living according to that way?

So for me, I was so backtracking even more. So for me, my, what I want is I want good quality time with my kids because I know they're going to grow older very quick. Uh, I don't know where, you know, my son's nearly 10. I don't know where 10 years have gone. They're going to grow older and they're not going to want to spend time with us.

So my goal is all about spending as much quality time as possible as I can with them now while they want to spend time with us. So then what I was doing. That's my actual end goal, but keeping myself busy, uh, you know, and making myself grumpy and unhappy. And when I was doing things with my kids, maybe not being 100 percent engaged because, you know, I was thinking about other things that wasn't supporting my goal.

And what I had to do was reframe and really think about what did I need to do to get that to, you know, be living towards my goal. Now, my goal is about quality time with my kids, but, um, I also need time for myself. And what I found is that when I started putting myself first, I put more time in for myself, I was able to be a more switched on mum, and be a more present mum with my children.

And that was a game changer. And I see lots of mums struggling with that when I keep saying to them, you're feeling, you know, they're telling you they're feeling overwhelmed, they're feeling, um, you know, like, at a breaking point, and, you know, and they don't know what to do. But the thing is, that when you look after you, you'll be better for them.

You're also teaching your children. to look after themselves too. And that's what's super important because you don't want, you know, when I got, when I kind of had my breaking point, I realized I was, I was unhappy. So what I want you to take away from today is think about what is in your, what are the things that are, that are, that are, you know, going to fill your cup, or how can you start to put yourself first?

Now understand that putting yourself doesn't make you selfish. It doesn't make you a bad mum. It doesn't make you, it actually makes you a good mum because you will be, once you start to do it, try a lot for me for a month. And you will see that how much more quality time you have with them. I worked out things like that.

I did need some time on my own. You know, I did need some time away from my kids because I just felt, you know, that I wasn't getting a break. And then when you're not getting that break, then you tend to be more snappy with them, grumpy, you know. Um, I went and prioritized a different form of exercise, uh, exercise away from the house.

Again, this was putting myself first. And then I, instead of trying to do everything around them. Or with them still there, because then I was like only half asking everything. Um, I also had the, you know, I had the time that I could do that. So I started prioritizing that. I looked at how I re jigged some of my work and my work hours.

When I, um, years ago, I would be doing all, running all the classes. And then on the weekends, I would spend hours doing paperwork. Doing paperwork and reconciling things. So then I went and got help in different areas. Which meant that I didn't have to do that paperwork, so I could spend time with kids. And just recently, um, I've given myself a day off during the week.

Uh, and I had my first full day kind of Friday just gone. And I, um, I was able to get everything organized that I needed to on the weekend. So things like I got the food shopping done, I got it all, uh, I got fruit and veg. And I was able to get it in, get it, um, put away. I was able to have all that stuff organized.

I was on top of the washing and the other things in the house. I was on top of my work. So that at the minute on the weekend, I didn't need to look at my phone. I, uh, didn't have to try to juggle a million things, which I'm always trying to do. As everyone says, I probably take on too many things. So that was another thing is I started saying no to things.

I'm realizing that, you know, this time is precious. You know, what's, what's the things that's supporting. So it made a, it made a huge difference. It made a huge difference. And this weekend, like I said, on Friday, I got all that stuff organized. So it meant I didn't have to go, you know, shopping or that on the weekend.

So it meant on the weekend, I actually had time to sit and. Be present and do things with my children, which is supporting what my, my real end goal is. So I just want you to think about how can you start putting yourself first. When you, uh, listen to yourself. When you, uh, maybe feeling overwhelmed, grumpy.

You know, there are things that you can change. I was really stuck in my thinking. I was stuck in my thinking that nope, this is how it has to be. Uh, the beach is a great de stressor for me. And I told myself I couldn't, I didn't have [00:09:00] enough time to go to the beach because I had to always be working and I could only do it between these times.

But I did have enough time. I just had to think about how I could rejig things. So if you feel like you don't have enough time to exercise, you don't have enough time to, you know, do anything for yourself, you know, you can't get this stuff in. I know you can, I know you can, no matter what your circumstances are.

And we can just take a moment and, uh, you know, take a moment to really think about what's the things that you need in your life to make you feel good. Because you will be better for your children, you will be a thousand times better for them because that you'll be more relaxed, you'll be more calm. I also looked at, you know, again, because I was very good at saying I was busy and I didn't have enough time, but I realized that me being busy was keeping me safe.

It was keeping me safe. I could tell myself I was busy, but it was my excuse to not actually take action steps to be able to move forward. So you may be in that category too. So, uh, yeah, so I caught, I caught myself doing that saying I was busy all the time and I didn't have enough time and I couldn't do this.

And I looked at rejigging things. Now, the thing to understand about our brain is it's always wired to keep us safe. Now, what is safe to our brain is just what's familiar. So if you are constantly think about how you speak. These ladies on the weekend were being quite negative and the more, and they were, they were feeding each other.

So think about who you're hanging around with and you know, what, what are you talking about? I, I, yes, there's, there's times that my kids have me at breaking point and they're like, of course, we're all like that. But if we continually talk about the negative things that we're focusing on that, that is all that's going to keep coming back to us.

That's all that our brains gonna know. It's all that's going to keep cycling. So, you know, but again, get out your frustrations, journal it out, you know, um, you know, maybe speak to, to, to a friend, you know, but, but if you continually going on about it, like these ladies were all talking about things that, you know, and yes, they could, yes, they could all be, all be stressful, but there was lots of action steps that they could have taken if they were willing to look at making changes that that could have changed how they were feeling.

And what I want you to think about. Yes. Taking steps forward is hard. Making a change is hard, but staying the same is harder and not making any change is harder. And how do I know? Because I stayed the same for a long time. And now that I've made a change, because I had, I got to a point where I was so unhappy and I was miserable and I was like, this is not good for my children, for me.

You know, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't want that because I got to that point, you know, I had to get to that horrible point before I made a change. And I want you to start recognizing it before we get to the point that I did. Because, um, because you can start making changes earlier and, and the littlest things like, like, I probably spent all last year wanting to give myself that day off, but then I thought I couldn't.

And I've done it this year and I just can't believe the difference it made that one day, uh, you know, changing around those, those people, it's, it's just given me so much more time, uh, to do things according to my weekend. And I know not, um, you know, I work for myself, so I have a different form of flexibility, but there will always be something in your reach.

The other thing I was going to talk about before is I always said I was busy. You know, I was busy and I didn't have enough time, but I happened to have enough time to get through lots of series on Netflix. So, you know, look at your screen time on your phone, look at, you know, are you watching lots of things, you know, uh, you know, you could, you could be spending your time differently and making, you know, little, little changes, has a big impact long term.

So please don't live and please don't keep feeding that negative cycle of that, you know, that things are out of your control. You know, it's stressful and it's hard because you're just feeding it all more. Um, the biggest thing that I did when I looked at making changes is I wrote a list. I like writing things down.

I wrote a list down and in one section I wrote down the things that were stressing me out and then I looked at what was in my control and what wasn't. The things that were in my control, what could I make changes to? And I use that strategy. All the time. I always think, okay, what's in my control? The other thing is, which I mentioned about at the start is about taking responsibility.

So when you take responsibility for things, it's no one else's fault. It's not, you know, it's not my kid's fault. It's not my husband's fault. It's not my coworker's fault. It's not my member's fault. It's nobody's fault. It's mine. It's not, it's not a reason to have a beat up about myself, but it's to just take responsibility because, because it's something that, um, was my responsibility.

I can, I can also be responsible to make the change. And, and really those two things are, um, one of the biggest steps that you can take forward because you can know what you can change. So I'm going to leave you with that today. So I just want you to think that if you are in that cycle of feeling like things are overwhelming, you're feeling unhappy and, uh, you're not quite sure, or you may not even realise, I want you to think about what can you do to fill your cup.

What things are in your control and what things can you take responsibility for? And, uh, take those three kind of action steps away today and, uh, hopefully move forward and start making some changes. Now, if you need any help with this stuff, send me a message because we have lots of programs that deal with this stuff specifically.

So I love you and leave you today. I'll speak to you soon.